Interview

My friend Ashlee, who is a much more charming blogger than I am, has posted a couple of self interviews during her pregnancy. I liked the idea so I am going to interview myself since I don't believe anyone else wants to.

So how are you feeling? Cold.

Is it cold there? It was -1 this morning.

Why do you live in Illinois? Actually I like it here. Just not right now.

Where are you going to be moving? I don't know. Probably not somewhere warmer. Ask us on March 21st. Isn't this interview supposed to be about pregnancy? Yes, but since you never get interviewed I thought I would round it out a bit. 

What is your favorite part about being pregnant? Actually I have lots. All the foot rubs my husband gives me. Having an excuse for everything (forgetfulness, tiredness, crankiness). Feeling baby move. Other people being excited for me.

Least favorite? Bending over. Really wacky dreams. Weighing as much as my husband. Wait, my least favorite thing is this:

  

aka glucola

But honestly if that is the worst I have to complain about I am doing pretty good. I have had a very easy pregnancy.

How far along are you?
28 weeks

Will you post a picture because I am pretty sure your dad requested one? 
Sure.

Large and in charge (and cold). Ok not the greatest. I will try to take a better one.

What are you going to name your daughter?
Depends on who you ask. Current contenders are Mildred, Maggie, Emma, Bronwyn, Sarah Elizabeth, Ingrid, Carrot, Ruth, Pearl, Ruby, Sarafina, ok not really. Alex and I have a hard time agreeing on this matter.

What do you want for Christmas? Hm that is a good question. The real question I have been pondering is, why do we give gifts on Christmas? It doesn't really make sense to me.

Thanks for tuning in! Any more question requests? If there are any good ones you may get lucky enough to experience a second pregnancy interview...

Thanksgiving

Alex and I were lucky enough to both be in Philadelphia for Thanksgiving (he in between two interviews on the East coast and me because I could) and had a wonderful time celebrating the holiday and weekend with family. It was just a wonderful time to not stress (didn't make a single lick of dinner this year), put my feet up (thanks, Tony!) and just be around family. And it is always nice to have a reminder to be grateful for all of my blessings. I have to say, since turning 30 every day seems a little more precious and every day of life seems like a gift. Like I realized my mortality or something strange like that.

Here are a few pictures of our trip. We didn't actually get any good ones of the Thanksgiving meal itself, but we were lucky enough to be able to see Marissa and her family for dinner as well.

Fonthill castle. What do you do if you have a rich aunt, a tile business, and want to leave a legacy? Build an entire castle out of concrete, of course. I can't say I would want to live there but this was an incredible place to visit. Tile was everywhere in all shapes, sizes and possible designs and motifs. Unfortunately photos were not allowed inside. 

We visited the Barnes Museum in Philadelphia. Dr. Barnes loved Renoir. I would show you some but I couldn't take pictures. 

Baby Strax and I were the honored guests of a surprise baby shower! It was great fun. Thanks, sisters and mom-in-law! Bethany didn't mind if I took pictures. 

 Baby girl stuff is fun.

And we attended a Christmas recital for Bethany's students.

It was over way too fast. 

A riddle

     Closed, it sleeps

     On its side

     Quietly,

     The silver

     Image

     Of some

     Small fish;

     Opened, it snaps

     Its tail out

     Like a thin

     Shrimp, and looks

     At the sharp

     Point with a 

     Surprised eye.

-Valerie Worth

Who am I?

I will give you a hint. This is something my sister gave me when she found out I was expecting. I love it. It is a little reminder that soon, with a little unbuttoning, we will be a family of three. 

This is where we are. 

This is the part I am not so sure about. 

I don't know about Alex. He is kind of a silent observer through this whole thing. 

Alex brought me back a treat from Seattle yesterday. Actually, it was a gift from Sandy and Dan. 

What better gift than oatmeal?! No, seriously. I love oatmeal. They also gave us some cute baby clothes.

Sandy and Dan at Snoqualmie Falls. 

I guess the Snoqualmie Oatmeal is amazing. I can't wait to try it. 

A few autumn pictures:

Our grasses in the backyard. I have always loved these. 

And Lola. 

...

IVF - the low point

There were two days in the middle of IVF that were soul crushing. I don't know if there is a better way to convey what it felt like other than sharing part of my journal. I feel like I learned a lot from the experience, although I don't know how to put it into words. Mostly the feeling that with trust in God you can have faith that things will work out, even if you don't know how or when.

Peter Lik photography. We encountered his work a gallery in Key West. I love it.

June 9, 2013

We had horrible news yesterday. Everything was going along just fine with IVF. We were expecting to go in on Monday for egg retrieval. I had an ultrasound yesterday morning with Theresa. She was showing me all my follicles as she measured them and they all looked fine. I had blood work done and left. I spent a few hours at the 11 year old boys' camp out. I left my phone with Alex so he could answer the phone when the nurse called because I wasn't sure I would have reception at the camp site. When I got home I asked him what the nurse had said. He looked at me with a straight face and said "it isn't good news." I kept looking for just a trace of a smile on his face to give away that he was joking but it wasn't there. He told me that my estrogen levels had plummeted which indicated the egg quality was not good and Dr. Jarrett was calling the whole thing off.

I am not sure how to react. There are so many things going on in my head right now I can't sort them all out. We haven't talked to Dr. Jarrett yet - he is supposed to call tomorrow - so there are many unanswered questions, the first of which is: does this mean I am never going to be able to have children? I fear right now that is the case, and I am deeply saddened by it.

I am grieving. I feel that something essential to my womanhood and motherhood has been snatched from me. I feel lost and confused. I feel different from every other normal woman out there that is able to do what she was designed to do. I feel alone. I don't know what the next step is. Logically, it is adoption, but to think about that huge unknown and scary world is beyond me at this point. I do not know why this has happened. Why are my eggs poor? Was I born this way? Did I do something wrong? Could I have prevented this somehow?

I cannot sleep. It is 3:40 am right now. I wish I could talk to someone in exactly my position but I cannot. I am scared to go to church today. I am afraid I will not be able to keep it together.

Thinking about my future right now it feels like a vast wasteland.

Always when we were going through infertility testing and treatments there was always the thought "well, there is still IVF." There is no longer that option. I fear that we are at the end of the infertility road and it has ended in nearly the worst possible way.

It is hard for Alex too. I think he feels many of the same things that I do.

I expect that I will grieve for a while. I don't know how long. Then, with God's help, I will be able to make peace with my circumstances and move forward. I don't know how long this will take.



June 10, 2013

Funny thing. Today at work, about 2 pm, Dr. Jarrett's office called me. A nurse told me that the lab tech on Saturday had made a mistake, my estrogen levels were completely where they should be, and I needed to go get my blood drawn and an ultrasound done asap. I was incredulous.

It was such a confusing feeling. I didn't know if I should be ecstatic or furious. I was behind someone going so slow on the road that I almost couldn't stand it. I finally got there, checked in, waited two minutes, then asked them to please get me back there to have my blood drawn because this was an emergency!

I asked the lady who drew my blood what had happened on Saturday and she said that my estrogen levels were actually normal. I said "I know, but what happened?" She said that someone had done an audit and had discovered the error. It was going to take two hours for my bloodwork to be finished.

At 4 pm Dr. Jarrett's office called back and told me we were still on for egg retrieval, to give myself the ovidryl at 6 pm, and to show up at 5 am on Wednesday for the procedure. So I did. I was distracted at work today. I didn't know whether to scream or cry or cheer.

I did pray a lot on the way to the doctor's office and at home that everything could still work out. And to say thanks that my ovaries aren't crappy after all.

I expected that Alex would have some notion of what was going on because he had my phone all day. We thought it would be better for him to have it once I went to work so that he could talk to Dr. Jarrett when he called. I could tell first thing when I got home that he had no idea what was going on. I asked him how he was and in a sad, resigned sort of way, he said "Good. I mean fine. Dr. Jarrett never called." I asked him what time his test was on Wednesday, he said 8:30 am, and I said he better reschedule it because we were going to Indianapolis for egg retrieval. He couldn't take it all in. He looked more confused than happy, the exact same way I had felt at first.

It is such a weird feeling. It feels like someone close to me died, then the doctor called back two days later and said "just kidding. Different patient." It is like my life and my future completely changed with one phone call two days ago and then just as quickly, just after I had started getting used to the fact that my life was going to be very different than I thought it was, it changed back. It feels like a miracle. It is a miracle. What if no one had caught it?!? I would have been done with IVF with absolutely no hope of ever having children.

This has been such an incredible roller coaster. I feel God's hand is in this.


***
The only other thing I have to say is that I know there are many women out there who want to have kids but aren't able to do IVF or for whom IVF doesn't work. My heart goes out to those women because I experienced that for two days. It wasn't an easy thing to face that maybe my body wouldn't be able to carry a child. But I still knew that I was a daughter of God and that He loved me and that was what I knew I had when everything else I felt was so confusing.

While I am gone...

...eating fancy meals and interviewing at places far away, my wife is stuck at home taking care of the cat. This is not fair, but unfortunately finances more or less require it to be so. I am writing this simply to say that Katie is awesome and that I miss her. I hope this makes her smile when she sees it, because she deserves to have lots of smiles in her life.

10 points to anyone who knows when/where this was.

Letter to my daughter

I wrote this letter over a year ago, just as we were about to begin fertility treatments. I had no idea what the future would hold and when (or if) I could expect a baby girl. But for some reason, I felt very close to her at that particular moment and was inspired to write this letter. I wanted to post it as a reminder to myself of what I hope to be as a mother.

A letter to my unborn daughter, Aug. 12, 2012 Tonight I was being silly with Lucy, resting on her chest and asking her silly questions like "what are you most afraid of? Starving to death? A house fire? That Alex and I will die and you will have to live somewhere else?" She finally groaned (telling me to get off of her) and at that point I had an thought that maybe you were in heaven, looking down at us and thinking that we would be a fun family to have, and maybe even asking if you would be allowed to come down a little bit earlier. I hope you can and I hope you do. I was listening to a talk by Truman G. Madsen this morning and he shared the thought that children might have a little bit of a say in where and when they come. I think you have picked us out. Or maybe you have been assigned. Either way, I am grateful for you and I want to get to know you. I know for sure I can't promise to be a perfect mother, and sometimes I probably won't even be a good mother. But I will love you even when you make mistakes. I will encourage you to love life for the joy of living and discovering and creating. I will encourage you to do things you want to do, and to work hard at them. Not because you need to achieve anything, but because God will give you and has given us His children so many gifts and a beautiful world and precious time to enjoy it and make it a better place. I will set a few firm limits that I will expect you to live by. This won't just be so that our home will run better but so that you will have the steadiness and peace of an ordered life and knowing that someone cares about who you are and who you become and so that you will learn consequences to your choices. I will do my best to let you be who you are and to love you for exactly who you are. There will be no "other daughter" that I wish you were. I want you to be you. I will provide you with and teach you to make nutritious meals and teach you the wonderful gift that your body is and how to take care of it. I will teach you to appreciate beautiful things - music, art, and nature. I will teach you to love the word of God and to follow God's plan for you, His daughter. I will teach you to find joy and comfort in the Plan of Redemption and the Atonement. I know that I will make mistakes. We want you in our family to have a part in nurturing your soul and to provide a temporary home for you on this earth, but it also for us to progress on our journey to become more like God. Just as you are expected to make wrong choices on your journey, we are too. I hope you can forgive us for the many mistakes that we will make. I already feel love for you and I don't know you and I don't know when you will be coming. Love, mom

What I learned in my 20's

Today is my last day in my 20's. I was thinking about what I have learned in the past decade.

1. Life is better with cheese.
2. Life is better with Alex.
3. How to speak Polish.
4. How to be a veterinarian.
5. How to hold down a real job.
6. Kind of how to knit.
7. Kind of how to sew.
8. How to pay someone to make a baby for me.
9. How to buy and own a house.
10. How to make and can jam.
11. How to bake good stuff.

I was going to do 20 things I learned in my 20's but I think I only learned 11 things. Oh well.