Cecily's first birthday coincided with the Pi Day of the century. I didn't realize this was the case until a few days ago. Just like I didn't realize that she was actually born on pi day until a while after the actual event. I had other things on my mind, you know? Since she is not old enough to know if she prefers cake over pie, I decided that a new tradition in our family is having pies on pi birthday. This is a major change in attitude for me as I have always avoided making pie crusts on the basis that they are difficult, which is not a reason in and of itself, but also that I almost always avoid eating pie crusts when I eat pie because I prefer the filling. The pie crust is just extraneous. Not good enough to justify eating it instead of another piece of crustless pumpkin pie, for instance. However, this year was the year to overcome my passive aggressive relationship with pie crust and dig right in.
"I woke up from my nap and there were a million people in my house! What is going on?!"
I dove in and it was a horrible learning experience. The first set of crusts came out almost inedible and also very ugly. The second came out much more edible but very ugly. The good news is that Cecily didn't seem to care that the crust was chewy instead of flaky and it shrank into the pie plate when I prebaked it so the filling overflowed over the edge of the crust and the fluting disappeared completely. Butter is a wonderful thing, but I am thinking next year when I try pie crusts again, I might just have to try lard.
I am done talking about pie crusts. I would like to talk about this last year I have had. It has been an amazing year. The first thought that comes to mind is "thank goodness I survived." The second thought that came to mind is "thank goodness she survived." I can't really summarize effectively the first year of motherhood. Alex and I were talking about some of our fond memories of the past year and especially those early days. Alex remembers being up with Cecily in the middle of the night before she knew what sleep was. Not that he was necessarily having a lot of fun bouncing a crying baby for hours on end, but he remembers it fondly. I fondly remember sleeping while he was up with the baby.
Nothing can prepare you for those first few weeks, just like nothing can prepare you for labor. But, just like labor, where your body knows what to do and it is going to happen no matter what you say or do or think, somehow you manage to make it through those first few weeks. I have to say, I have so so many sweet memories of my sweet, tiny little baby. It was such a miracle to me and such a blessing.
Moving with a 10 week old was hard. Perhaps the hardest thing I have done. Thinking about the moment when I drove away from my house in Urbana, sobbing, with Alex in front of me with the moving van and Cecily and the dogs in the car with me, still brings me to tears. I remember too the day we closed. We left Philadelphia at 5 am so we would have a chance to see our house before the closing and of course traveling with an infant takes time and we also didn't take into account the fact that the moving van wouldn't fit underneath all of the cute little bridges on CT-15. We didn't end up seeing our home before closing (I had never seen it in person) and Alex showed up 1/2 hour late for the closing. We left the attorney's office just in time to hit rush hour and getting stuck in the same stupid roundabout in Cambridge for the second time made me wonder "why exactly am I doing this?" Then I showed up at our house and couldn't muster a bit of excitement for it and sat in the rocking chair holding Cecily, cold but too tired to find a blanket, while two great guys in our new ward moved all our stuff in. I think I probably didn't even tell them thank you. I should do that.
Things are better now. I know my way around. I have some friends. And Cecily. Oh my goodness. What an amazing miracle it is to see a helpless infant transform before your very eyes to someone that can crawl, eat, sleep through the night (!), point at things, say a few words, hoard magnets, want very specific things, and just be an amazing little human... how can I describe that? Let's not sugar coat the fact that sometimes I really, really miss those days of being able to decide I want to go to the store and then go to the store without having to plan to do it at the exact right time to coincide with nap time and lunch time and bring a huge bag of stuff along and then not take too long because she is getting bored and needs to get back so I have time to give her a snack before her nap... I do miss the freedom. But, oh, it is amazing to be a mother. Such a miraculous process. And to feel love for this little person that I didn't know was possible to feel... While I miss some things about life before motherhood, I can't say that I have ever regretted it.
Happy 1st birthday, my dear sweet little Cecily. You are the one that made me a mommy. I look forward to so many more years of growing up together, sweet moments together, learning how to be a family together. I know there will be hard times too, and I know we will get through them together and God will help us to do it.
