There were two days in the middle of IVF that were soul crushing. I don't know if there is a better way to convey what it felt like other than sharing part of my journal. I feel like I learned a lot from the experience, although I don't know how to put it into words. Mostly the feeling that with trust in God you can have faith that things will work out, even if you don't know how or when.
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| Peter Lik photography. We encountered his work a gallery in Key West. I love it. |
June 9, 2013
We had horrible news yesterday. Everything was going along just fine with IVF. We were expecting to go in on Monday for egg retrieval. I had an ultrasound yesterday morning with Theresa. She was showing me all my follicles as she measured them and they all looked fine. I had blood work done and left. I spent a few hours at the 11 year old boys' camp out. I left my phone with Alex so he could answer the phone when the nurse called because I wasn't sure I would have reception at the camp site. When I got home I asked him what the nurse had said. He looked at me with a straight face and said "it isn't good news." I kept looking for just a trace of a smile on his face to give away that he was joking but it wasn't there. He told me that my estrogen levels had plummeted which indicated the egg quality was not good and Dr. Jarrett was calling the whole thing off.
I am not sure how to react. There are so many things going on in my head right now I can't sort them all out. We haven't talked to Dr. Jarrett yet - he is supposed to call tomorrow - so there are many unanswered questions, the first of which is: does this mean I am never going to be able to have children? I fear right now that is the case, and I am deeply saddened by it.
I am grieving. I feel that something essential to my womanhood and motherhood has been snatched from me. I feel lost and confused. I feel different from every other normal woman out there that is able to do what she was designed to do. I feel alone. I don't know what the next step is. Logically, it is adoption, but to think about that huge unknown and scary world is beyond me at this point. I do not know why this has happened. Why are my eggs poor? Was I born this way? Did I do something wrong? Could I have prevented this somehow?
I cannot sleep. It is 3:40 am right now. I wish I could talk to someone in exactly my position but I cannot. I am scared to go to church today. I am afraid I will not be able to keep it together.
Thinking about my future right now it feels like a vast wasteland.
Always when we were going through infertility testing and treatments there was always the thought "well, there is still IVF." There is no longer that option. I fear that we are at the end of the infertility road and it has ended in nearly the worst possible way.
It is hard for Alex too. I think he feels many of the same things that I do.
I expect that I will grieve for a while. I don't know how long. Then, with God's help, I will be able to make peace with my circumstances and move forward. I don't know how long this will take.
June 10, 2013
Funny thing. Today at work, about 2 pm, Dr. Jarrett's office called me. A nurse told me that the lab tech on Saturday had made a mistake, my estrogen levels were completely where they should be, and I needed to go get my blood drawn and an ultrasound done asap. I was incredulous.
It was such a confusing feeling. I didn't know if I should be ecstatic or furious. I was behind someone going so slow on the road that I almost couldn't stand it. I finally got there, checked in, waited two minutes, then asked them to please get me back there to have my blood drawn because this was an emergency!
I asked the lady who drew my blood what had happened on Saturday and she said that my estrogen levels were actually normal. I said "I know, but what happened?" She said that someone had done an audit and had discovered the error. It was going to take two hours for my bloodwork to be finished.
At 4 pm Dr. Jarrett's office called back and told me we were still on for egg retrieval, to give myself the ovidryl at 6 pm, and to show up at 5 am on Wednesday for the procedure. So I did. I was distracted at work today. I didn't know whether to scream or cry or cheer.
I did pray a lot on the way to the doctor's office and at home that everything could still work out. And to say thanks that my ovaries aren't crappy after all.
I expected that Alex would have some notion of what was going on because he had my phone all day. We thought it would be better for him to have it once I went to work so that he could talk to Dr. Jarrett when he called. I could tell first thing when I got home that he had no idea what was going on. I asked him how he was and in a sad, resigned sort of way, he said "Good. I mean fine. Dr. Jarrett never called." I asked him what time his test was on Wednesday, he said 8:30 am, and I said he better reschedule it because we were going to Indianapolis for egg retrieval. He couldn't take it all in. He looked more confused than happy, the exact same way I had felt at first.
It is such a weird feeling. It feels like someone close to me died, then the doctor called back two days later and said "just kidding. Different patient." It is like my life and my future completely changed with one phone call two days ago and then just as quickly, just after I had started getting used to the fact that my life was going to be very different than I thought it was, it changed back. It feels like a miracle. It
is a miracle. What if no one had caught it?!? I would have been done with IVF with absolutely no hope of ever having children.
This has been such an incredible roller coaster. I feel God's hand is in this.
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The only other thing I have to say is that I know there are many women out there who want to have kids but aren't able to do IVF or for whom IVF doesn't work. My heart goes out to those women because I experienced that for two days. It wasn't an easy thing to face that maybe my body wouldn't be able to carry a child. But I still knew that I was a daughter of God and that He loved me and that was what I knew I had when everything else I felt was so confusing.
