I started having contractions Wednesday evening (two weeks ago today!) They were mild and about 10-15 minutes apart. I was fairly sure that is what they were but I didn’t say anything until right before bed. In the middle of the night I woke up and couldn’t sleep so I got up and did a few odds and ends. Turns out Alex also couldn’t sleep and so together we made finishing touches on the hospital bag, he gave me a blessing, and finally we realized we should just try to get some sleep before it became impossible. My mom heard us up and about and thought we had headed to the hospital before she got up and saw our bag still there. I got another hour or so of sleep, woke up, called work to tell them I wouldn’t be going in and then... sat around and waited. Alex, my mom and I had a relaxing day of me reading National Geographics and timing my contractions on my ipod, Alex sorting through and getting rid of things, and my mom working on her computer. That afternoon we decided to take a quick walk around the neighborhood and then ran a few errands and did some window shopping at Lincoln Square Mall. By late afternoon the contractions were about 5 minutes apart and I was having trouble talking through them. We came home, ate a quick dinner and headed to the hospital.
We arrived at the hospital about 7:30 pm on Thursday. The nurse checked me and said I was 5 cm dilated. We waited and labored on the normal labor/delivery floor for about an hour while they opened up the 4th floor labor and delivery room for us and transferred us there. At this point I was doing great! Contractions were building in intensity but completely manageable. Alex was helping me into different positions, talking me through them, etc. When we transferred to the 4th floor, I got in the jacuzzi which drastically slowed my contractions. Thinking that a long labor was exactly what I didn’t want, I got out of the tub and used the birthing ball and rocking chair and whatever else seemed to help. I was really glad I brought my own popsicles at this point.
Now we start getting to the point where times elude me. Maybe Alex can add an addendum with the estimate of when things happened. I did ask him beforehand to keep track of when everything happened but he was a little too absorbed and occupied to do that. I am going to guess that around eleven or midnight my contractions were getting a little out of hand. At some point when I was thinking “what have I gotten myself into?” my midwife Ellen check me and I was at a 7, which seemed at the time not very promising considering how bad my contractions were. To summarize the next bit, after a while I got checked again, was at an 8.5, and decided that if, in another half hour, I had not progressed, I would consider an amniotomy (breaking the waters) to move things along. It was at about this point I believe that I started to recall what my friend Rachel had said about her natural birth: “when the contractions are so bad that you think you are going to die, then you will have your baby in 20 minutes.” Rachel was wrong. Her comment for some reason kept going through my head and each time it did I thought to myself wryly that more than 20 minutes had passed since I thought I was going to die so where was the baby? I also remember Alex at some point during hard labor saying that I had earned the right to name our child (we still hadn't decided on a name).
Contractions were becoming excruciating. In between each contraction I would try to relax my body, collect my thoughts, and brace for the next one. I remember thinking many times in between contractions “I got this, this is totally doable, pain with a purpose” but when the next wave came, it was so much more than I could have guessed. It completely took over my body and mind to the exclusion of any other thoughts and I was helpless to do anything but writhe and moan. I couldn’t focus on anything else. I don’t think I was coping very well, and felt on the verge of tears many times.
The midwife checked me again in a half hour and said I was still at an 8.5. We went ahead with the amniotomy (this happened at 2:24 am - Alex wrote this time down) even though Ellen said it would make the contractions more intense and that was definitely not what I wanted. But the alternative was no better. She was right. Even though it was not imaginable to me at that point, the contractions did get worse. It was sometime in here that I recalled something we had read in one of the books to prepare for labor that talked about pain vs. suffering: it was along the lines of when pain crosses into suffering, it is time to start thinking about ways to relieve the mother’s suffering through medication. I decided I was at that point. I was suffering and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I regretted not having an epidural two hours earlier. I didn’t question that I would survive, I knew deep down that I could do it if I had to, I just knew that I definitely didn’t want to.
Alex knew I wanted to have an unmedicated childbirth. But he was also in tears at this point at the pain I was going through. I ultimately decided to have an epidural and he supported me in that, although I knew he never would have pushed me to do it. I talked this through with the midwife who agreed that things might be a little stuck (I was not moving beyond an 8.5 as I recall) and said an epidural might be the thing I needed to get some rest and then continue. Even though I was suffering what I thought was an immense amount, the decision to have an epidural was a very difficult one and I went back and forth a dozen times (I am sure I drove Ellen crazy, but she was very patient with me).
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| A bracelet I made out of beads given to me by friends. I hooked this on the hospital bed throughout labor and the rest of our stay there. |
The fluids were in, the nurse anesthetist was outside my door, and I had the choice to go forward with or back out of the epidural. I backed out for two reasons: 1) Ellen said I would have to sit still through three contractions, which was not possible at that point and 2) the next contraction I had I felt the urge to push. So I said no, realized I was going to get through this just the way I wanted to, and was a little relieved and very distressed at the same time.
We moved to the jacuzzi at this point. Ellen poured hot water over my belly which felt nice. The contractions weren’t any less intense in the water, but the warm water was soothing. Cecily came quickly at this point, perhaps 30 minutes and 10 contractions later. These contractions were perhaps a little easier because I could focus on pushing instead of how much they hurt. And push I did. I didn’t care about anything except getting the baby out and being done with labor. I gave it absolutely everything I had. There were lots of people in that little bathroom: Alex holding my hand, Ellen at the business end with her cow rectal exam gloves on she told me later, checking on baby’s progress and keeping us updated, and two nurses. There could have been an entire circus in the room and I wouldn’t have cared at that point.
Finally, finally, Cecily was born at 4:23 am on Friday. I cannot describe what it felt like to see my baby for the first time and to have her on my chest. She had purple lips, a smashed nose, dark eyes, and she was crying. I couldn’t see myself or Alex in her at first and I wondered who this little stranger was. But she was mine. Having her on my chest at the end of the most excruciating pain I had ever experienced (indeed, I would say I hadn’t experienced pain before that night) was the most incredible, emotional, joyful experience of my life. I couldn’t believe she was there. I think in the midst of the pain I had partially forgotten that a baby was the end goal so it was a little bit of a surprise too.
When the umbilical cord stopped pulsing, Alex cut the cord. We took some pictures. Finally we moved to the bed where the afterbirth was delivered and I was stitched up. Cecily was very healthy. She slept almost nonstop the 1.5 days we were in the hospital and lulled us into a false sense of security :) My mom came to visit us in the hospital. Those first few days Alex and I almost couldn’t comprehend the amazing miracle she is in our lives and still are amazed every time we stop and think about what an incredible journey we had with so many blessings along the way.
Saturday morning (the day we left the hospital), Alex had an obligation for school all morning. While he was gone, I decided on a name. My mom knew her name before Alex did. When he returned and just before we left the hospital, he gave me a gift: citrine earrings and a matching pendant that I had admired in Lincoln Square Mall while I was in early labor. (Apparently he had even talked the store into a “new mother discount”.) They, along with the turquoise earrings he gave me that day we found out that our first IUI had failed, are my favorite pieces of jewelry and in a way are bookends of the journey we have traveled together these past 3+ years. He also gave me and my mother a box of delicious chocolates. I have been eating one every day and today is the day I will eat the last chocolate. Does that mean the honeymoon period is over and now we get down to the real work of raising a child? Perhaps. I have already been through difficulty learning to nurse and sleepless nights (Alex helps out immensely with these taking Cecily when she is fussy) and postpartum PUPPs (I have a mild case but the itchiness still makes it hard to sleep sometimes). I know that there will be trials and joys of motherhood but I think I am ready. I know that I don’t have to do it alone. I have Alex and I have my faith that God will help me. I am so excited for every stage, to watch her grow, to see who she is, to teach her, to love her, to make mistakes and ask for forgiveness. I don’t think it will always be easy. I will be far from perfect. But I am so so grateful to have a little family and for my precious daughter.
Finally, a question I don’t know the answer to: would I do it again? I don’t think I will know that for a while. It was definitely the most amazing experience of my life. It was also incredibly difficult. I suspect that when the time comes I will, but I don’t know for sure yet.
