IVF

Eventually, after months of trying this or that, we began to realize that IVF was our best option. I think for a while I knew deep down that it was inevitable. Our second doctor (of two), when we met with him for the first time, was in the middle of being baffled by the fact that there was no obvious cause of our infertility and he asked me a penetrating question that took me off guard. It was something along the lines of "what is your gut feeling?" which I took to mean "what is your instinct telling you we should do next?" I said something at the time like I don't know because up until now my gut has been wrong on every count. Looking back, though, I think that I pretty much could have pegged everything that would happen: another round of failed IUI, deciding whether or not to do a certain somewhat invasive diagnostic procedure (we decided not to), and eventually IVF and hopefully success there.

The morning of implantation before going into the doctor's office. We are both a little tired. I think we had to leave at 3:30 am that morning.

The earliest hurdle for me was the cost. In Illinois, infertility is covered by insurance unless you work for a small business (I do). I tried for a time to find a new job but nothing panned out. After a few months, I realized there was no way out of the cost.

The other, more minor, hurdle I had was that it felt so unnatural. I mean, giving a women supraphysiologic levels of hormones so that she will superovulate and then forcibly plucking her eggs out of her ovaries to stick in a petri dish and then injecting a sperm into each one and then sticking some of them back in her uterus? How is that normal? Well, the answer is, it isn't. And it is wonderful that we have this technology so that couples like me and Alex have the chance to have children. When I saw it this way, it wasn't that bad.

So, we started the whole process which involved lots of self-inflicted (or Alex-inflicted) shots (the worst part!), ultrasounds and blood work every couple of days to make sure things were progressing, then two trips to Indianapolis - the first for egg retrieval and the second for implantation. There was one very, very low point in the midst of it all as we were getting close to retrieval - I will probably share that in the future. Other than that, I don't remember being too preoccupied or worried during the days leading up to retrieval and transfer. Our family knew what we were going through and it comforted me to know they were praying for us. However, the wait for the first pregnancy test was like Chinese water torture. It was so hard. I just didn't want to think about what we would do if it didn't work (and we both tried not to). In the midst of all this I received a couple of beautiful priesthood blessings that I cherish and was able to really focus on trusting in God and whatever His plan for me might be. Hearing the phone call that my test was positive I had the hugest sigh of relief of my life. A couple days after that, Alex left for Boston for a month. It was funny - I thought after the positive test that I wouldn't have to worry about anything else, but of course I still did. Any pregnancy that early is not a sure thing, and so I worried. I had a lot of practice at this point, though, with just letting go of worry and trusting that everything is going to be ok no matter the outcome so that is what I tried to spend my energy on.

What would you call the opposite of a delivery room? Where they put the baby in you instead of taking it out of you? That is where we are here. 

IVF stands for in vitro fertilization meaning fertilization taking place outside of the natural organism. It dawned on me the other day that the opposite of this is in vivo fertilization which could also be acronym-ized with IVF. So maybe we need to find a new acronym for in vitro fertilization. Maybe SF - supernatural fertilization?