This is a post

and it is about me. About us, really. And about our journey through life. I have the feeling (true or not, I don't know) that a lot of people are curious to know why we don't have kids yet and I suspect they suspect they know the reason but don't want to ask. And me, not being an overly open person, for better or worse, will not usually volunteer information. So we just go along, assuming the other person knows what we want to talk about but never talking about it. It's probably just me that thinks that actually. I think that I think other people think about me more than they actually do. I guess that means I'm vain.

I have felt a need to express what we are experiencing on this blog. I am not sure why but mostly for the above stated reason that people don't want to ask me but I actually do want people to know. I feel/hope that everyone who reads this blog is a friend or family member who I care about and I want all of you to know our experience so you don't have to guess or wonder. I want you to feel like you can ask me about it if you want to or pray for us if you feel the urge. So, since plenty of people are completely open about their reproductive habits (by getting pregnant and having kids and all), I feel that I can also be open about the fact that I am not pregnant, do not know when I will be, but hope to be yesterday. Alex and I are starting down the path of trying to figure out what the problem is and we don't have all the answers yet.

I don't really expect or want sympathy from this post, but I just want to tell people so they know. So that when I talk to you in the future I don't have to wonder if you are wondering about it. That is all. It is a purely selfish thing really. I feel the need to unburden myself of this information.

In the time that I have wanted to get pregnant, I have watched many friends and family members get pregnant and have their kids. None that I can think of that have done it twice in that same time, at least not yet. While I will admit I am sometimes tempted to feel sorry for myself about all of these fertile people around me and at the very least, envy their good luck and happiness, in fact I am happy for each of these wonderful little people entering the world and the families that will love them. I want all of you fertile people out there reading this to know that.

I think that infertility can be a sensitive and painful subject for a lot of women that struggle with it. Maybe it will be for me someday, although I hope not and I am not planning on it. Am I sad about it? Of course I am sometimes, but not that often. Sometimes I feel the need to grieve a loss if you can call it that (that is what it feels like), so I do for a bit and then I move on. Overall, I am confident that we will have a family and I feel that there are things that I need to learn from this journey that will eventually help me to be a better mom. And when I finally get kids I will love them and not call them flea bags.

A few things help me to have a hopeful perspective and not let myself spiral down into self-pity. The first is the faith that God loves me and has a plan for my life. That is the main one. Then after that there are a few things I remind myself of from time to time. One is when Elder Packer said in this past General Conference that people who want kids, even if unable to have them, are much better off than those who can have kids but won't. There was a recent Ensign article from a woman who had infertility for years and some of her lessons also stick in my head, and also I have come across a blog from a couple who struggles with infertility that has an amazing positive outlook on life. Then when I think about it in the grander scheme of things, I think how grateful I am for my two hands. My hands do everything for me. I couldn't bake, sew, ride a bike,  work, floss, etc without my two hands. I am so grateful for hands! You might think I am being silly because you can't hear my voice, but I am actually seriously grateful for my hands. And I am also grateful for the fact that I have food and I don't have to wonder where it is going to come from. Seriously, I am so blessed.

That was a long post relatively and it didn't have pictures so it is really boring. The end.